I Think That I Think Too Much

I had an amazing night last night. That makes 4 in row, all thanks to this boy I'm curiously attached to. We went to Winston's with Daniel and two of his friends and played trivia. It was pretty cool, we got third place, though we were in first for a long time. Logan dropped me off at home afterwards, but I got so bored since neither of the girls were home that I texted him and asked him to come over again, which he surprisingly did. I'm getting used to falling asleep next to this boy.
I have my interview at Pappasitos today at 4, and I'm pretty excited. I need to go home early and take a shower before heading over there.
It's beautifully sunny outside right now, and it makes me really happy, despite one of the boys at the office being an asshole to me, an odd occurance.
We discussed the future last night, and my mind drifted back to those days when Seve and I used to plan our future. Marriage when I turned 18, kids, moving somewhere exotic, maybe to Puerto Rico, where his family was. Painting over the walls in my old room was like painting over everything that we were, an experience I'm glad I was alone for. Seeing the orange paint, remembering that summer day we painted it with Dory and Josh, kissing with paint covering us, finding those rings on the window sill. Could that really have only been a few years ago? So many things have changed since then, since that one day. And not just between Seve and I, but in my entire life. Where am I going? I had my life so planned out, down to every detail, I was so sure that he was the one, that I was safe, that I could relax because I was never going to be alone again. But my world got rocked and everything came tumbling down.
It makes me scared to go through it again. That's why most of my relationships, even if they made it past a month, they never get too close before I push them away, or I date someone who lives far away so I never have to see them.
But I want this one to work.
Ok, I'm overanalyzing it again. I'm going to scare myself off from him.

I should go back to "work."

I Never Said I'd Take This Lying Down..

An update, finally.

I have an interview tomorrow with Pappasito's, for what I hope will be a good second job. I'll be working with Alice, which will be nice, plus all three of the girls from 5B1 will be in the resteraunt business, and therefore bringing home food. Yum.

I went on what I hope was a date with Logan last night. We saw Bank Job with Ariel and Joseph, and for once, I didn't get made fun of for crying during a movie. He opened my door for me, paid for my ticket, even picked me up at my house. I'm pretty impressed. Even his smoking pot with Kelli when we got home didn't bother me, he is one of the rare people that only gets a little stupid when they smoke. He got along pretty well with Lauren, and I tried to not get my hackles up too bad. Even with his promise that he wouldn't leave me for someone else... there will always be insecurity when it comes to the girls closest to me. I'm trying to stay unattached to him, but it's hard when I'm so throughly attracted to him. I've never wanted to kiss a person more in my life, merely for the pleasure of his kiss.

Aaaanyways, now on to more normal things, I edited some of the photos I took in downtown when we went to Little Five, as well as some I took of Ashes. I think they turned out pretty artsy fartsy if I do say so myself.

I'm thinking of setting up a deviart or whatever it's called thing. Maybe.

Meaning most likely I'll do it as soon as I get off of here.

I've decided to pick the Libertarian Party, finally. I'm more satisfied with their views, the Indepents have such a Christian website, I don't think I could support them.

I tried to find my father the other day. Chuck, obviously, since I dont know the other one's name. I failed, of course, since I dont know the military base Mom was stationed at. But actually looking up his name... I don't know, it just made me wonder what my life would have been like had he known about me. Maybe I would have been like a lot of my friends whose fathers reject them on a daily basis. Or maybe I would have been close to him. I doubt I'll ever know since it's pretty much an impossibility for me to find either of them. Maybe if I had stayed with Andreas... but no, it wouldn't have worked out. I'm too free-spirited to be trapped in that world.

Ooo, I just found an M&M. Yum.

Right well, I've probably rambled enough today.

I like it when you touch me, touch me.

I'm back again, finally. I wish I could say things have changed, but they may have just gotten worse. Money is beyond tight right now, so I have to get a second job. Adam and I never speak anymore, and I'm so afraid he's done with me. I've been very busy with work and trying hard to make it through each day.
Kelli moved in with us and I'm hoping that that was the right decision. I just don't know what to do anymore.
The depression is back, probably a by-product of little sleep, and the dismal weather today. I don't know how to get rid of it anymore.
I'm so tired all the time lately, but I never sleep.
I'm going to be so busy this weekend, and I'm pretty excited about it.
I contacted Tommy, and I'm going to stop by and see him tonight after Sara's birthday show. Just hope I have enough gas. I've missed him.

Um...

I keep painting on my walls. I can't stop. It's become an obsession. By the time I move out, I wont have any wall space left.

I should probably get back to work now.

Kurt Halsey. <3

I discovered Kurt Halsey today. I'm in love, of course. http://www.kurthalsey.com/. He puts indie emotion on a page, basically. Most of his paintings are about love, almost all of them and they just... I dunno, they make me happy. They make me want to be in love.

Ok, that's my plug for today.

And so it begins...

The first post has always felt awkward for me. What ever I write will be here, marked here, for the rest of this blog's life, and unlike the future posts, it is with the first one that I define myself, show what I'm made of.

So I sit here, in my big black leather chair, in my office, trying to ignore the fascinating mulit-colored bubbles playing on the screen next to me, and enjoys the last bits of a Babe Ruth I just had. I'm on my third bottle of water for the day, and it's only 1 in the afternoon. An entirely uneventful day so far, mostly just piddling on the internet and finishing up something for my boss. The rest of my day will be filled with driving, and moving two rather large pieces of furniture into a UHAUL to be dragged to my new apartment. My mind has wandered everywhere today, thinking over things like love, life, friends, how freaking hot it is in here.

On the subject of love... well... Adam and I haven't really gotten to talk, been able to speak of where we are anymore. I would love to say that we are together and we will be together forever, that I'll be moving to be with him, but... I have responsibilities here, and Greece is far away. Maybe when things get more settled for the both of us... But for now, we are on the edge of the end.

On the subject of life... things are slowly moving forward. I have a steady, good job that pays me enough to survive, and I have a good apartment. Though things are still a bit rough between Lauren and I, hopefully they will get better once we both have a little money in our pockets.

On the subject of friends... I'm not sure. Some of my friendships have blossomed, but others are dead or dying. Even my best friends, it's rare for me to see them anymore since most of my days have been filled with work and trying to get the apartment together. I miss Karen so much, and I never hang out with Ashes anymore.

It's getting harder to keep a smile on my face. Most of these days I'm sad and lonely or furious. Happiness is a foreign concept now. Even last night I did something I've never done before, get drunk on my own, for the purpose of forgetting it all.

Where am I going?

Just trying to survive, living always just above empty.